We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
