So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
