I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
