By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
