I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Randomize
