More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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