last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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