1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
