I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
