My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
