I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
