Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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