dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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