i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
