I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
