just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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