So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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