her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
