Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I skipped work to stalk him.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
