hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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