My nipple is on Facebook.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
