I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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