All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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