just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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