They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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