I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
