Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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