I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I am available for nakedness
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
