So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
