whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
