I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
