I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
