Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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