Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
