Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
