i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
