Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
