Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
