Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
