she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
