the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
