No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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