drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
