I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
