We named our party play list daddy issues
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I just want nice things and good sex
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
