i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
