pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Jerry, you need to find god
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
