I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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