She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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