I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Randomize
