Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
