That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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