guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
